Resentment

I feel it. Soaking through my skin, into my being.

I don't know how to rid it of my mind and cleanse it out my body. It knows where to find me, it will always come back. Is it worth it? Living with the hope that it may go away and turn out for the best? Going through the hurt, the anger, the aching. The resentment.

Waking up everyday not know whether it will be a good day or bad day? Not being in control of my emotions? Not being able to let it go? Will I ever put it down? Like a overstuffed, heavy satchel filled with unnecessary items that are glued inside; glued to me. Can I ever put it down? My shoulder is hurting, my heart is screaming. Put it down put it down. Put. It. Down.

I don't know how. I just don't know.

I can't throw a blanket over it and pretend it doesn't exist. I can't give you what you want when you ordered the opposite. Have your cake and eat it too. While I sit in the corner with empty hands. I don't need any cake. Anything but this will do.

I want it to leave me. Find a new host to pester. But it is too tangled in my blood, too entwined in my bones. And all I asked for was what you promised.

I want my dream to still have hope. I want to believe it's not slipping away. I never asked for any of this. Why is it being ripped away, like a teddy from a child who wants nothing else. It feels like I have signed a contract that ensures I wake up every morning in pain and with an aching heart. But the worst part is - I didn't even sign it. You signed it for me.

I just don't know.