The Hardest Part

The hardest part of any true relationship - is being apart. Every fight, every screaming match, every disagreement, frustration, hurt, tear, tantrum, breakdown - is worth it if you get to hug each other afterwards. So what happens when that comfort is taken away? How do you heal a wound when the only good doctor is not in town? Who will bandage your torn heart that is spilling pain and leaking hurt on the floor? I don't want a veterinarian performing surgery on me. I want the appropriate doctor. MY doctor. The only one who knows my history.

I don't know what a heart attack feels like, but if it feels anything like what I experienced today, I pray I never have one. And if it is as devastating as this - I may have just had one. Three times over.

I know who I am, and I think after my time on this earth I am comfortable with that. I am aware of what I am capable of, and I am also not afraid to admit what I'm not able to manage. I once heard someone describe them self as a person as needy as a cross - barnacle and Labrador. That is me. I want to touch your hand when I ask how you are. I want to see your smile through your eyes. I want to sit really close next to you on the couch. Maybe half on top of you. Yes - I'm that girl. And I'm not scared to be her. It is my way of showing my love and expressing my feelings.

How can I be who I am without you near? How can I be who I am without you?

I think a small part of everyone is terrified of being alone. Just the echoing silence of no one sharing your heart, your life, your passion. But once you do find a person to share all that with... How do you let them walk away? How do you wave goodbye?

I can hear the silent echoes returning. So unwelcome.