Friday, October 7, 2011

Silent Gratitude Isn't Much Use To Anyone

It is just as important to praise the good as it is to complain about the bad. Even more so necessary. Although most of us know that, we don't always make an effort to do so. The last couple of days has been very positive for me and so I want to reflect on that, in a gratuitous approach.

After an effort to come to terms with my painful break up, I was slowly beginning to realise it had truly happened and yes, I wasn't going to see him again. At least not as my lover. Perhaps friends in the future but with a lot of unresolved resentment, I couldn't be sure. So I slowly came to terms with the fact that I would be better off alone. I begin to gather a small amount of inner strength and accept myself in this new light. Single. An unfamiliar feeling I hadn't had in years. A new, awkward and strangely disorientating place for me to be in.

Then - I receive an email.

All the things I was sure of were suddenly turned on their heads, all the love I was sure he was over, was still fresh and raw in his broken heart. And with a plan to talk and discuss the break up, the issues, the possibilities and the feelings left scrambling in a pool of loneliness, loss and hurt; we met up.

It can be a horrifying eye-opener to face the problems that you weren't sure existed. Maybe they are present in hindsight, maybe even illuminated as red flags, but at the time... all these problems just conveniently fell by the wayside. Convenient for both of us. It is now so easy to spot those signals and imagine what we could have done differently. But there is no use in wishing what could have been. And maybe better not to. A fresh start means a renewed sense of appreciation for each other. I didn't like that feeling of my life without him, and now I am willing to fight so much harder to keep it. And keep it healthy. So is he, I feel.

My next trip to his town is planned and time seems to be flying this time around. Maybe because I am more secure about his true feelings about us this time. Perhaps because I realised I did not in fact die when I was on my own (not to take away from how difficult it was), or maybe because this time, our communication is a lot stronger which means I am not desperately unhappy on a daily basis like I was the last time.

That is only one of the many things I am grateful for in the past few days! Then there is the chance to fulfil a lifelong dream of mine that will complete my sense of womanhood and heal a huge insecurity within my soul that I have carried for years. Not only me, but my partner has carried his share of the weighty burden that I call my worst fiend. A chance to change this forever has created an overwhelming sense of excitement within me and I am embracing it every step of the way. Along with my true supporters who aren't going to judge me, like I'm sure many others will. I have accepted that not everyone will share my joy, and I will not be discouraged or offended by the small minds who cannot relate.

I got to spend some good time with my small nephew. Hearing his advancement and seeing him learn, helping him grow and being able to share little golden moments with him, melt my heart on a level that no other boy could. Watching him being moulded by all of us around him, is such an incredible feeling and something that I wouldn't want to miss for the world. I feel nervous about moving to my partner's town in a few months, for many reasons but mostly because I am so afraid to miss him growing up. Going to school, tying his shoelaces, picking a flower out of a garden for me, saying 'I love you Auntie' and so many other moments. This is something I am struggling to deal with internally. But I know he would love some cousins one day, and this is the only way to make that happen!

Although I am battling to balance my internship and my studies, I did do well in an assignment this week and it boosted my levels of hope. Especially with exams approaching at a freight trains pace. The more I take on and the more I push myself, the stronger I feel. I feel like I am slowly starting to make a contribution to society. Although small, I am starting somewhere and that is a good feeling. A bit of purpose and light at the end of a long, dark tunnel.

Along with many others pieces of euphoria in the form of my favourite perfumes and an incredible concert with an electric atmosphere that blew me away to another kind of bliss, I have been spoiled and I am so thankful for the people in my life who have contributed to my smiles and content heart.

I am hoping this streak of positive experiences continues strong and as they do, I will recognise them, as gratitude brings more gifts of happiness.

Silent gratitude isn't much use to anyone - G.B. Stern

Gratitude is the memory of the heart - Jean Baptiste Massieu

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