What I Fear The Most

Sometimes looking forward into the future can be exciting... But other times it is scary. What I fear the most is change, although I always tell my friends NOT to associate change with negativity. The truth is, even if it is not a bad thing, it's not always the easiest thing to endure.

My biggest fear facing me at the moment is the possibility of change in love. Maintaining relationships during school and college is relatively manageable as long as you both understand and respect each others need for time in order to achieve desired results. But what happens after that? Jobs can carry people across borders, across continents, across time, across seas. And then how does one balance love? How do you adjust to that change? How does your heart change its desire for closeness? How do you deal with a change your heart wasn't built for? I wish I knew. I wish a transition like that was bearable.

The thought alone of having to make a change like that makes my heart ache, my soul break. Why do happy things need to be different? Why aggravate a perfectly tranquil situation? Because life is full of surprises that constantly remove us from our comfort zones. Sometimes to remind us to be grateful for what we have today. Other times for reasons we can't recognise until later on in our lives. A blessing in disguise. But how painful that can be in the beginning without the understanding attached immediately.

I try hard to push away the fear of change. The fear of losing the person I'm closest to on this planet. My best friend, my lover, my companion, my secret holder, my whole world, the person I picture my future with, my soul mate. But the truth is a fear like that consumes your heart, with no comfort available except the thought that perhaps fate will take a favourable turn and leave you with your life as you know it still intact. A pitiful move by fate, yet a lifeline for me.

What awaits me may be scary, but whatever happens, I have to hold on to hope and faith. I have to believe that whatever crosses my path will be the best option for me. God wouldn't give me a challenge I can't handle. I have to hold true to the faith that I will come out alright and the end. Either way. With or without change...

But I'll pray for without.