Lately I've been told my mood swings are more frequent than usual and my old excuse of being a Gemini is wearing thin. It frustrates me hugely when I start off being the fun girl in the room - full of laughter and ready for any challenge. Then I turn into the girl whose confidence is balancing on zero; is snappy, feels an empty gap, and ends up crying herself to sleep by the time she gets to bed at night.
I sit for hours wondering what is wrong with me?! Why don't I seem grateful for all I have? Why don't I feel satisfied in my relationship, despite my partner's efforts? Do I dream of something better that doesn't exist? Where is my happiness? I feel the mud creep up my neck and I'm drowning in the swamp.
I'm not really sure how to put the purpose back into my life.
Perhaps having time off to do nothing isn't all it's cracked up to be. It invites open spaces of empty time and I fill it with questions far deeper than I dare swim. I feel like I have lost myself to someone else who has taken over my body. I want to feel important again. I want to feel excitement the way I used to. I feel nothing.
I'm going on a journey this week. A trip on a boat, that may give me time to decipher what it is I really want and what exactly I need to do to get back to place I belong. I want to fill my heart with an ocean of understanding and clarity for a brighter future with direction.
Sometimes you can pull yourself out of the swamp and let the trickle of water wash you down to the river and into the sea. There, you can wash yourself clean of the mud and embrace the ocean and all it has to offer.
Sometimes all you need is an outstretched hand when you're stuck in the mud.
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